“If you loved me, you would…”
Has anyone ever said this to you? Have you ever used such a statement on your partner?
What was the reaction?
If you’re like most, this form of manipulation is enough to cause a heated argument, among other repercussions.
If you’re looking to avoid such issues in your relationship, this article is for you.
In today’s article, you’ll learn why this phrase is so disastrous to most relationships, as well as the steps you can take to unveil a deeper connection level with your partner.
By following the steps outlined in this post, both you and your partner will never have to use the phrase, “If you loved me, you would…” ever again.
Here’s what you’ll learn.
Let’s get right into it.
Why Does your Partner Say “If you Loved Me, You Would…”?
Short answer! A wounded ego after unmet expectations.
Let me explain.
Most of the time, we get into relationships with a list of expectations on how our partners should treat us if they care.
However, when these expectations aren’t met, our egos get wounded, resulting in feelings of disappointment, anger and hurt.
The problem arises when we think that our partners are the cause of these negative feelings, while in fact, these negative feelings arise from our expectations. In retaliation, we subconsciously seek to control our partners by uttering the statement, “If you love me you would…”
So, if someone uses this statement, it may be due to some expectations you’re not meeting.
If this is the reason why your partner uses this phrase, why then is it so problematic?
Keep reading to learn more
Why is “If you Loved Me, You Would…” Such a Problematic Statement
One of the main reasons why this phrase is so problematic is because it feels so manipulative and controlling.
If you were to ask most people, this statement feels as if someone is dictating how you should love them— If you don’t do as they say, then you don’t love them.
The other reason why this phrase is problematic is that some people use it to guilt-trip their partners.
So, what’s the best way to react to this phrase?
We go through this in the next section.
How to Deal with “If you Loved Me, You Would…”
There are several ways you can react to this phrase.
One of the ways to do this is by trying to change the emotional mindset of the person saying this. If someone uses this phrase on you, there’s a high chance that he or she is emotionally unhealthy.
Rather than getting angry, you have the option of helping your partner find a healthier mindset.
Another way to react to this statement is by evaluating why your partner said it. Could they have said it because of some wrongful act you committed to them? An example of this would be, “If you loved me, you wouldn’t cheat.”
If that’s the issue, then you may need to change your habits.
However, if the statement comes out as a form of manipulation, you shouldn’t give in or indulge your partner. Indulging in such manipulative behaviors only fuels your partner to be more controlling. At no point will you ever be enough.
In case of such manipulation, talk to your partner and warn them against using such manipulative techniques.
However, rather than waiting for your husband or wife to voice such a statement, you can avoid it by growing your relationship to a deeper level.
Here’s how to get to that deeper connection level.
Nine Steps to Unveil A Deeper Level
#1. Set Expectations Early
One of the main reasons why either you or your partner are likely to use the phrase, “if you loved me, you would…” is due to unmet expectations.
Most people get into relationships without defining their expectations to their partners. They fear rejection, therefore, avoid talking about what they expect in the relationship.
They let the relationship evolve naturally with the hope that their partner will magically know what makes them happy.
The result?
Heartbreak and disappointment!
Not discussing what you expect from a relationship only leads to stress, insecurities and frustrations.
If you’re looking to unveil a more profound level in your relationship, you should discuss with your partner about both of your expectations.
Once you discuss your expectations, it’s up to you and your partner to make sure you meet each other’s expectations. If you notice that your expectations aren’t being met, or can’t meet your partner’s expectations, then it’s time to call it quits on the relationship.
#2. Set the Intention to Pay Attention
One of the best ways to create a genuine connection with your partner is by being present in your relationship.
Paying close attention to how you behave during different moments in your relationship allows you to notice unconscious habits that prevent you and your partner from making a genuine connection.
Do you feel lite uttering the statement, “If you loved me, you would…” to your partner? Setting an intention to pay attention to moments in your relationship gives you a chance to investigate what’s behind the negative feelings towards your partner.
#3. Listen Deeply
Could your partner be using the above phrase because they feel as if you don’t listen to them? Maybe they’ve been asking you to do something for them, but you never seem to hear them.
One of the best ways to create a deeper connection and avoid the “if you loved me” statements, would be to listen deeply to your partner.
Don’t pretend to listen when your partner speaks. Instead, give them your full attention.
Some of the ways to listen deeply include using mirror communication, and active listening.
Also, avoid thinking of a response while your partner is speaking. Give them your full attention as they talk, and you’ll never hear the above phrase from your husband or wife.
#4. Be Compassionate
When you’re attentive and listening deeply to your husband or wife, compassion comes naturally.
With compassion, you’re able to get in your partner’s shoes and genuinely understand and sympathize with whatever issues they may be going through. By being compassionate, you’re able to know why your partner used the statement, “if you loved me, you would…”
Being compassionate also helps you to avoid using the above phrase with your husband or wife.
Some of the ways you can be compassionate with your partner include:
- Thinking before you speak
- Asking questions and avoiding making assumptions
- Being considerate and sensitive to your partner’s needs
- Accepting your differences
- Being kind
#5. Take Responsibility
As a coach, one of the most common issues I deal with when working with couples is the issue of not taking responsibility when things get tough.
Most couples I work with get caught up in the blame game. Always thinking that everything is their partner’s fault.
Although this may be true for certain situations, it’s not always the case.
At times, you may be the one at fault.
So rather than always placing blame on your partner, consider what role you played to the argument.
You may end up realizing that your partner isn’t being petty, but has a genuine reason to use the phrase “If you loved me, you would…”
#6. Change your Beliefs About Love
What does love mean to you?
If you’re like most, your understanding of love is mainly influenced by romantic sitcoms and romance books.
However, what you see on TV, or read in books, isn’t what love is all about.
Take the time to learn what it means to love someone. What does it mean to be loved?
Such an evaluation also allows you to learn about any wrong or extreme expectations you may have placed on your current or previous partners.
With such an evaluation in place, you’ll be less likely to use the phrase, “if you loved me…” on your partner.
#7. Appreciate the Small Things.
Think back to when your relationship started.
You loved everything your partner did. Every small act was appreciated.
However, as you grew closer to each other, you stopped noticing the small acts of love and took some for granted.
But if you’re looking for a way to unveil a deeper level of your relationship, start appreciating even the small gestures of love.
Appreciate every smile your partner puts on your face.
By acknowledging the small acts of love from your husband or wife, you’re less likely to believe that your partner doesn’t love and are also less likely to use the phrase, “if you loved me, you would…”
#8. Be Honest
Being vulnerable and honest in a relationship isn’t easy.
Most of the time, we fear that being honest in a relationship will likely result in its end.
However, cultivating an honest relationship is one of the central tenets of unveiling a deeper connection between you and your partner.
Do you feel uncertain about your relationship? Do you feel as if your partner is being avoidant?
Take the risk and be honest.
Your partner will appreciate it and in turn, reciprocate by also being truthful and vulnerable with you.
If you feel sad in a relationship, don’t hide it with a smile. Honestly talk to your partner.
Being honest allows you to establish a genuine connection.
#9. Love Unconditionally
The statement, “if you loved me, you would…” implies placing conditions to show love.
However, love should be unconditional.
Don’t love your partner because of how well they do in class, or because of how successful they are. Most people use love as a reward or punishment.
Loving with conditions prevents you from achieving the deeper connection level your looking for.
However, when you love unconditionally, your partner is more likely to reciprocate and in turn, achieve that deeper level.
Time to Unveil the Deeper Level.
There you go.
Nine steps you can take to unveil a more profound level in your relationships. With these steps, the phrase,” if you loved me, you would…” will become a thing of the past in your relationship.
Which of the steps will you include in your life?
Do you know of any other ways to unveil a deeper level in a relationship?
Tell us in the comments.
If you have any question, please leave it in the comments section.
I’ll be glad to answer any question submitted.
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