Wondering what to do when an emotionally unavailable man keeps coming back? In this guide, you’ll learn why men turn out this way, how to deal with them, and whether it’s possible for you to develop a stable and loving relationship from this scenario.
In my role as a life coach, I am often helping clients to understand and fix personal situations such as these.
So, I’m excited to share my knowledge on this topic with you.
Let’s dive right into it.
On the surface, it might appear this man does not want to fall in love. He might tell you there’s nothing wrong with that. It might even feel like he’s completely incapable of experiencing these feelings. But, this is far from the truth.
Deep down, this man wants true love.
As humans, we all desire this on a biological level. There’s little else we want more.
So what’s causing this man to pull away and how can you turn things around?
To understand this, you must first know what caused this man to become so closed off in the first place.
It doesn’t happen for no reason. Most likely, something happened to hurt him. A broken heart. A tumultuous experience with his parents. A childhood characterized by shyness, let-downs, and low self-esteem. Something that now makes it difficult for him to open up and trust someone, for fear of having another person cause them pain.
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Trauma can take a lot of time to heal. It’s unlikely to heal at all if you don’t put in the work. Emotionally unavailable men are usually the guys who are still recovering from trauma.
The good news is: you can be the person that helps them on their road to recovery. We’ll explore how you can do that later on.
This journey to healing these men can be frustrating. You can expect him to pull away and keep coming back. You may have to deal with silly mind games. Jealousy and insecurities are rife in this type of relationship. Honestly, you might feel that you’re better off without all this drama. Indeed, a relationship with an emotionally healthy man tends to be more stable and straightforward.
Still, if you see something magical inside this person, you’re falling madly in love with him and really want to be together, it might excite you to hear that it is possible for him to fall in love with you too.
A broken heart can be healed. Just because his heart is broken, it doesn’t mean he’ll be broken forever.
It could require a lot of patience on your end to make this relationship work though.
And, of course, he has to want to commit to you too. You can put in as much work as you like into healing this guy and trying to become his partner. But if he’s just not that into you, it’s going to be a big waste of your time.
Related: Why Do Exes Come Back When You Moved On
2. What Does It Mean When A Guy Keeps Coming Back To You?
The answer to what it means when a man keeps disappearing and coming back is a tricky one. It could mean one of two things, and these are polar opposites.
On one hand, when a man keeps coming back to you, it could mean that he’s only after physical intimacy. Could he be one of those immature players who doesn’t truly care about you, but will do or say anything to get that next hook-up? If he is, the only real solution is to cut him off and not let him come back (presuming that you’re looking for something more serious).
On the other hand, it might be that he’s a good guy struggling with the emotional rollercoaster of having been hurt in the past. These guys will continuously self-sabotage a genuine loving relationship due to their fear of being hurt again, only to come back when they’re feeling braver.
An empathetic woman might be prone to accept this guy’s excuses when he comes back. Maybe you’re the type of woman who feels a sense of pride in trying to heal broken men.
The problem is: there are a lot of players out there who will pretend they need time to process their emotional issues, when they know full well that they just want to pump and dump you. There are others who disappear for weeks at a time to make you jealous.
So, how can you tell the difference between the men who have genuine feelings and those who are just playing games? Let’s explore that now.
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It is a stereotypical characteristic of the emotionally unavailable to avoid sharing their feelings. They’ll usually clam up or swiftly change the topic if the conversation ever flows in the direction of what’s going on in their heart. They’re also less prone to making gestures that show their feelings.
However, if your man is falling in love with you and wants a stronger relationship, it’s possible that you might see a glimpse of their emotions now and again. His emotional side might resemble a small puppy who runs to greet a visitor only to scurry back to the safety of the doghouse once he spots them.
Perhaps he tries to open up, only to change his mind. Maybe you see a glimpse of his true feelings during sex or a passionate kiss, only for him to regain his composure moments later. Perhaps he can be warm-hearted and loving towards you on some days, then compensates for this by ceasing contact for a week.
Essentially, if you think you can spot glimpses of real love in this guy, believe in what you’re seeing. These are his true feelings trying to break free from their shackles.This guy will never deliberately try to play games or make you jealous either.
A certified player will find it far easier to keep his emotions closed off all the time, because he genuinely doesn’t have any. This man does not see you in his long-term future, even as friends. The only reason he comes back is for a quick bit of bedroom fun. If you’re looking for a serious relationship, spending more time with this person is the wrong move. He’ll disappear again soon enough and you’ll be back to square one.
Related: Why Does He Keep Coming Back
Are you dealing with a guy who keeps disappearing for days or weeks at a time? Here is a great strategy to make this man miss you and inspire him to come back once and for all.
Your first step is sit him down for a talk, ideally face-to-face although the phone might have to suffice. You’ll need his full attention so this message really lands.
Once you have this, tell him that it seems like he needs to go away, be alone and figure out what he wants for a while.
Related: How To Communicate with an Avoidant Partner
That’s right, you’re telling him to run away and take a break from dating you.
The conversation doesn’t end there though. You need to make it clear that you care and want what’s best for him. Also, tell him that you hope you’re still here for him when he’s ready. Until then, you need someone who’s 100% excited about a committed relationship, and you’re going to tell him that as well.
You’re walking away from him, but leaving a door that will remain open for a limited time. Importantly, you’re doing this from a place of love and respect, rather than trying to manipulate him into doing what you want.
Related: Definite Signs Your Ex Will Eventually Come Back To You
Related: Why Does He Keep Me Around If He Doesn’t Want A Relationship?
The solution above is incredibly powerful, because it’s creating that sense of fear of loss, but from a place of love.
When you make ultimatums or fight to hold onto a man who keeps disappearing in any other way, he’s always going to feel like he’s being manipulated. Often, men will rebel against this, even when a woman is manipulating him into doing something potentially great.
If you tell a man to go screw himself and that you don’t want him, some will fight for your love. But, many will not, even if they want you deep down. It’s a matter of pride.
But, when you tell him to be alone and figure out what he wants, it hits completely differently. Now, all he sees is a woman who really cares about how he feels; a woman he could be about to lose.
The way you walk away matters. This is how you walk away from a position of love. By saying you need someone who is 100% committed to a relationship, you show your strength and self-respect. Now, he sees you’re not a doormat and he can’t get away with putting you through this emotional rollercoaster.
Ultimately, you come across as a kind, loving, strong woman, who he’s truly going to be losing out on if he can’t bring himself to commit.
Don’t expect him to commit to you on the spot. Most likely, he’ll pretend he doesn’t care, try to change your mind or do anything else to get out of a serious conversation about his feelings.
But, once he has time to let your words land, he’ll probably begin to realize there aren’t many women who will treat him as well as you. It’s at this point he’ll be inspired to come back for good.
That’s presuming he ever had strong feelings for you in the first place. If you were only ever a ‘bit of fun’, he’ll probably walk away for good. But that’s a win for you as well.
More often than not, this advice will scare away the players, and motivate those who really care for you to commit.
Related Article: How to deal with an emotionally unavailable man
The key to connecting with this type of guy is to show that you care about him, but also that he won’t be judged harshly for opening up. In fact, you’ll want to praise and compliment him whenever he does show his emotions. This positive reinforcement will go a long way to inspiring him to continue connecting with you.
The best way to build trust and encourage someone to open up is to open your heart first. Tell him how you’re feeling, express your vulnerabilities, talk about your weaknesses, fears and hopes for the future. This shows you trust him and will encourage him to do the same.
This isn’t easy at the beginning of a new relationship – and should be mixed in with fun and carefree times – but it is necessary to take your relationship to the next level. If you’re friends first, it can be easier to build that emotional bond of trust in a relationship.
Maybe he says he doesn’t want to talk about certain topics with you. The secret to changing his mind isn’t to complain or shame him for being closed off. A much better strategy is to empathise with him. Show him that you know it’s difficult and that there’s no rush for him to open up.
This approach, combined with other warm and loving actions in your relationship, is often the best way to encourage him to be vulnerable with you.
Remember, deep down, all men want this intimate emotional connection with a lover. Sometimes though, it takes patience to free their true emotions.
Related: Principles How To Be A High Value Woman
Are you a woman who relentlessly pursues relationships with emotionally unavailable men? Are you always the person trying harder to make it work?
Maybe your friends warn you away from these guys every time? Perhaps you see the red flags, but you’re still attracted to the prospect of dating them in the hope that you can win them over, even though it didn’t work the first time or any time after that.
This is more common than you may believe.
The truth is: women are usually doing so to avoid the pain of heartbreak! By always chasing these men – the type they subconsciously know they’ll never end up in a relationship with – they protect themselves from the prospect of falling in love and everything falling apart. In many ways, they’re no different to the dudes they’re pursuing.
However, by giving their affection to someone who is unlikely to ever truly care for them, they expose themselves to an emotional torment that is more subtle, but arguably just as harmful.
This is the torment of being ignored by a loved one. On the surface, it doesn’t look as destructive as having a physically abusive boyfriend, nor one who is a bully.
But, the neglect of a relationship with an indifferent partner can take its toll as well.
Men or women in these types of relationships can drive themselves into long-term despair from trying and failing to impress the partner, who they might not even realize is the one in need of emotional repair.
It might not be until this relationship finally breaks off that the eager partner sees they deserved someone much better.
Related: When He Pulls Away Do Nothing
8. Try your best not to sleep with emotionally unavailable men during this phase of uncertainty. Sex makes you feel an emotional bond with someone, even if it really isn´t there. Sex also shows this guy that he can get away with treating you in a way you don´t like.
9. Pay attention to his social media. Does he post photos and videos with you on his profiles? That´s a great sign that he does actually see you as an important person in his life.
10. If this guy does walk away from you, consider blocking him on social media. When he can´t snoop on your day-to-day life, he’s more likely to miss you. If he’s not willing to come back, why should be able to monitor your profiles?
11. Keep your self-esteem sky-high. Typically, it’s only women with low self-esteem who accept these emotionally available relationships for a long time. Confident women know they deserve better.
12. Evaluate your own relationships with your parents. If a woman´s parents (particularly the father) didn´t show a lot of affection to them growing up, they´re more likely to accept unaffectionate romantic relationships
13. Your mental health should come first. It’s noble to want to help men connect with their emotions, but be aware that these relationships can really take their toll on your mental health. Take care of yourself first. If your mental health is in the gutter, you won´t be able to enjoy your own life, let alone help anyone else.
Related: 11 Tips How To Give A Guy Space Without Losing Him
Thanks for reading my post! I hope it helped you. The advice applies to men dating emotionally available women as well!
The mind games involved in the courtship stage of relationships can be exhausting, but hopefully you now have the tools to put them to an end.
If you have a related question regarding your relationship, feel free to leave it below.
Every time I receive a new comment, I do my best to answer back as soon as possible. So, don’t hesitate to get in contact.
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